All Old Films Are Shit

Citizen Kane. Planet of the Apes (1968 version). Rear Window. The Godfather. Singing in the Rain. Predator.

Only one of these films is considered a masterpiece by Youth.

We will get into more detail at another time as to Youth’s taste of movie genres but for now we can focus on why Jamie has not and will likely never watch old films. Put simply, he reckons they are all shit. And how many has he seen? Practically none.

Now I know what you are thinking, how can he possibly make such a statement without even watching them? This man actually thinks that the new 007 films are better than the old ones. He rates Pierce Brosnan above Roger 'comedy Bond' Moore and Sean ‘just give her a slap’ Connery. Well according to him it comes down to some simple things – speed, score and details.

Building up plot, setting the scene and getting to know characters can according to Youth be done in around a couple of minutes. Take Planet of the Apes as an example. Now we are talking about the original 1968 Charlton Heston version, not that Mark Wahlberg garbage version. Three men with substantial facial hair (to show that several thousand years have passed - obviously) crash land on a strange planet and begin to explore it looking for water and food sources. Heston smokes cigars and berates one of his travelling companions. Then the film gets immediately shit in Youth’s eyes. Why? Well as he says himself;

“For the next two minutes a scene is dedicated to these three lads running down some scree. And the music is also bollocks as well. Just some bloke running his finger up and down a piano. Sounds like the clangers. How does this get the plot anywhere? Shit and slow.“

Setting the scene can be done in no time at all in Youth’s eyes. Get me to the story. Rapidly. Don’t tell him a ten minute story in an hour and a half as that’s just wasting time. This is actually ironic considering that when Youth tells a ten minute story himself it does take him literally an hour and a half. It’s all about the details apparently. Shitloads of them. The story for Planet of the Apes is simple; The Hunt for Red October is, according to Youth, very much not.

So next time you are thinking about settling down to pick a film to watch, consider how much details you want and how fast you want them. He is right though about the score to some old films, they are pish.

By the way, it was Predator.